Never Too Busy to Read: My Year of Books, 2025

To say that 2025 was a busy year for me would be an understatement of literary proportion. I published my book Loving Lincoln, a project into which I poured my entire heart and spent six months promoting, giving book talks and lectures, book signings, online interviews and podcasts, and spending a magical week at the Chautauqua Institution in New York. I finished editing The Selected Papers of Jane Addams, Volume 4, Moving Beyond Hull-House, which will be published by University of Illinois Press in spring 2026. I also was busy doing preliminary work on a new creative project, picking a little at a novel I’ve been writing (it’s up to sixty-eight mostly dreadful pages), publishing nineteen essays on my personal and work blogs, and submitting an illustrated letter to a cool Substack publication called Letters to Dead Authors and Artists, which will be published in March.

It has been a productive, fulfilling, thrilling, and wonderfully exhausting year. Yet no matter how busy I was throughout the year, I was never too busy for reading or listening to an audio book. A friend of mine recently sent me a pair of socks that says “This Bitch Reads.”

I am guilty as charged. This bitch reads.

On top of all the daily reading I did for my day job as associate editor of the Jane Addams Papers, for a yoga teacher training course I started in August and will conclude in February, and all the political reading I do each week, I met my 2025 leisure reading goal. With more than a day to spare, I read fifty-two books (one book a week is my reading sweet spot), finishing the last book on December 30 at 2:35 p.m. I started 2025 with a book of poetry by Kate Baer, which was a 2024 Christmas gift from a favorite reading friend of mine; and I ended the year with a book of poetry by Kate Baer, a 2025 birthday gift from the same friend. This year I read thirty-seven novels, six memoirs, four works of nonfiction, three poetry collections, and two biographies. Eleven of the novels were historical fiction, my favorite genre. Five books had one-word titles, seven books made me sob, and nine books made me laugh out loud. Three of the books are going on my all-time favorite books list (numbers 1, 2 & 3 below), and I read two clunkers; however, the vast majority of the books I read this year were great or very good, a better reading pool overall than the past couple of years.

In my leisure reading this year, I learned about the writing rituals of two of my favorite writers, the gendered construct of time, a wee bit about radium, and way more than I needed to know (but loved learning) about hares in the English countryside. I got inside the head of a middle-aged woman hiding away in a convent, went on an explorer’s adventure with an old woman looking for a rare beetle, traveled on a train through France, and got lost in another twisty plot in a delightfully dark Liane Moriarty novel. In my year of reading there was friendship, grief, love, women in the present, women in history, a scholar in the future, octopuses, dogs, and poems about women losing their damned minds but finding, always with great surprise, that they are resilient.

Here are my 52 books of 2025. And special thanks to my dogs Lady Bug and Dorothy Parker for starring in two of the book pictures that follow.

#1 Loving Lincoln by Stacy Lynn (2025) ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Shameless to put my book first? No. Not really. Because it’s true, Loving Lincoln IS my favorite book of the year. It it representative of my soul, I live and breathe on so many of its pages, and it is some of the very best writing I have ever done. It may, in fact, be my favorite book of all time. At least for now, I do not want to tamper down my pride of it.

#2 The Correspondent by Virginia Evans (2025) ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
The Correspondent is breathtaking. On every page, this beautiful epistolary novel is pulsating with life, love and heartbreak, grit and grace. I have no adequate words to convey the perfection of this novel, at every level, the writing, the pace, the tone, the characters (oh my goddess, the characters!), and that patient, gentle unraveling of a mother’s grief, as the letters she writes over the years reveal all the layers of her heart. I first listened to the audio book, brilliantly produced with a large cast of great readers. When I finished well in advance of the fourteen days of my library loan of it, I immediately began listening to it again. I then purchased a hard copy of the book and read it a third time, this time reading slowly to bask in its radiant literary light. Yes. Instead of reading two different books, I read this book two extra times. The Correspondent is that damned good.

#3 There Are Rivers in the Sky by Elif Shafak (2024) ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
There are easy buoyant novels that carry us away. There is great literature that commands our attention and respect. And then there are those rare books of gorgeous words and grand imaginings that from the pen of a gifted writer become elemental. There are Rivers in the Sky is the latter, reaching far beyond the stories it tells of three human beings in three distinct historical settings, whose lives and histories are lost and found by the water. In this poetic, magical novel, the water is watching. A dispassionate observer, it holds all memory and knows all truth across the vast distances between beauty and cruelty, friend and foe, passion and power, right and wrong, past and present and future. History flows through time and space like water. History is water. Water is history. Always, no matter the form, the water is ever present. A raindrop on the head of an ancient king. A snowflake on the tongue of a swaddled baby in the gutter. A London rain drenching a young woman hesitant to be who she is in her heart. A flood. Water from a tap. A mighty river that never ceases to flow.

#4 Memorial Days by Geraldine Brooks (2025) ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I am drawn to memoirs of grief, compelled to know how grieving people put suffering to words. Memorial Days is wise and journalistic, as excepted from Brooks, a former war correspondent; but it is also tender and vulnerable in its simplicity and its depth of feeling. While it is a wonderful grief memoir, inviting the reader into a broken heart, I enjoyed it even more for its invitation into the brain of a writer I have long admired. Brooks’ brilliance here is twofold—she opens a window to her thoughts as a gifted giver of words, and she bravely shares her story as a grieving widow. In the afterword, Brooks offers several observations about how American society makes loss and grief (a natural part of life) even harder by working to render it silent. In my own experience with grief and my hard-won acceptance of my melancholy, I know how true it is. “Our culture is averse to sad,” Brooks writes. “We want people to be happy. We are chagrined and slightly offended when they’re not. There is desire to cheer them up. And then, later, there will be a glancing at the wristwatch, a tapping of the foot if they cannot be cheered, if their grief is perceived to go on too long. I wish we could resist those things.” I, too, wish we could resist those things. And you can start by reading this memoir and I challenge you to let your tears flow freely as you turn every page.

#5 The Names by Florence Knapp (2025) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
This gorgeous, richly textured novel considers the question of the power of a name to determine the course of our lives. Cora is powerless, trapped in an abusive marriage, her light nearly extinguished. But what if she found the courage to defy her husband by choosing her own name for their infant son and giving him a chance to escape the tyranny of his father? Three names, three stories, three divergent futures. Across the thirty-five years of each imagining emerge the uncomfortable knots of family, the intergenerational trauma of domestic violence, and the ability of even the most broken spirits to find love and acceptance. Original, lyrical, laced with heartbreak and redemption, this novel offers some of the most beautiful writing I read all year.

#6 Miss Benson’s Beetle by Rachel Joyce (2020) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
This is the story of two broken women, Margery and Enid, who go on an impossible expedition to New Caledonia to find a gold beetle and who forge an unlikely friendship along the way. I am sorry I missed this book when it came out during the COVID pandemic. I could have then benefited from its quiet wit, matter-of-fact commentary on hardship and hope, and its nuggets of wisdom about life. “It occurred to Margery that this was how it was that, there was always darkness, and in this darkness was unspeakable suffering, and yet there were also the daily things—there was even the search for a gold beetle—and while they could not cancel the appalling horror they were as real.” This novel is full of adventure, laughter, dignity and indignity, courage, fear, resilience, suspense, sorrow, joy, and beetles. I laughed, I cried, I held my heart and danced with pompoms on my sandals and a pith helmet upon my head. Recommended by the brilliant writer Barbara Kingsolver on her Instagram, and now I recommend it to you!

#7 Stone Yard Devotional by Charlotte Wood (2025) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Would that I could take leave of my life and hide myself away in reflection of all I cannot hold. But I am not the kind of person who could do the letting go required for such a journey. The protagonist checking out her life inspires both my envy and my disdain. What stories would you tell if there was only quiet and plagues of mice and stories of your past to haunt you? I am not sure what to think and to feel about this novel of grief and a woman who cannot cope unless she locks herself away in a convent, away from a life that most would be happy to live. But the writing here is poetry, the emotion is rain and sunshine, and the healing light of quiet is provocative and lonely and a fire in the hearth on a dark, cold night. Beautiful. Awful. And true.

#8 The River We Remember by William Kent Kruger (2023) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
This engaging novel is set in 1958 in rural Minnesota when World War II is well past but not done wreaking its terrible havoc. It is a novel about secrets and love, racism and community, and the choice human beings always have to do right by others, no matter the cruelties they themselves have endured. “We are all broken,” opines one of the characters in the novel; but how we choose to live with the broken pieces of ourselves and help others pick up their own shattered selves is the only thing, in the end, that truly matters. Kruger (a prolific writer I only discovered two years ago when I read This Tender Land) is a great writer who weaves stories that make you laugh and cry and catch your breath. This novel broke my heart; and I always appreciate a novel that makes me cry for compelling characters, a well-told story, and beautiful prose. “Our lives and the lives of those we love merge to create a river whose current carries us forward from our beginning to our end. Because we are only one part of the whole, the river each of us remembers is different, and there are many versions of the stories we tell about the past. In all of them there is truth, and in all of them a good deal of innocent misremembering.”

#9 The Paris Express by Emma Donoghue (2025) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
It is 1895. The historical setting and the novel are thrilling and textured. A train full of fascinating characters, richly detailed and representing all classes and qualities of people—among them a seasoned railroad engineer, an elderly Russian woman, a boy traveling alone who misses his stop, a Black American artist, a brilliant young medical student, a cabaret performer who refuses to remove her voluminous hat, an ambitious secretary traveling with her boss, and an anti-government radical with a mysterious lunchbox, still unopened way past noon. Suspense. Humanity. A train speeding toward Paris. A propulsive story speeding toward disaster. What more could any reader ever need or want?

#10 Writing Creativity and Soul by Sue Monk Kidd (2025)  ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I admit that I am predisposed to love a book about writing written by a writer I admire. Writing Creativity and Soul was both a window to Kidd’s writing life and a bursting fountain of ideas, such as the inspiration of writing rituals, the value of creative loitering, and learning to have constructive conversations with self-doubt. The book left me with much to ponder, as I seek in 2026 to live a more creative and soulful life, focused on writing and art and telling stories. “When we are lost, when our world is full of brokenness,” Kidd writes, “it is stories that will re-create us.” Kidd offers insight on the crafting of stories and evidence from her life and in her writing of the power of stories to heal, to inspire, to lessen our burdens, and to tap into the collective heart. In the beginning of the book, Kidd defines “soul” as heart plus imagination. She offers a vivid description of the magic of that equation, which reminded me of the way I felt when I wrote my book Loving Lincoln. I felt the magic of writing with my soul, my unique blend of heart and imagination. This book—a memoir of writing—is written primarily for writers, but I suspect readers who love great writing will gain insight about the craft as well as the magic.

#11 Here One Moment by Liane Moriarty (2024) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Who knew a book about death and grief and terrifying prognosticating could be so funny and sweet, light and dark, and fun?! This is Moriarty’s best work. The writing is so good and the original storytelling style makes for a crazy-good ride. Cherry, the daughter of a fortune teller, is a wonderfully imagined protagonist, and Moriarty is a master storyteller, unfolding Cherry’s life story among the stories of the people whose lives she upends when she predicts their deaths on a fateful flight from Hobart to Sydney. And peppered throughout this hefty, hearty novel are memorable nuggets about love and loss, family and friendships, life and death, chance and choices, and the truth that what we make of all of it is always within our own power to foretell.

#12 The Love Elixir of Augusta Stern by Lynda Cohen Loigman (2024) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Currently, as I enter my own dotage, I tend to gravitate toward novels with mature female characters; and the prickly Augusta Stern is a good example of the literary women I love. She’s smart and ahead of her time but also vulnerable despite all the hard edges she constructed to protect herself from disappointment. Set in a Jewish neighborhood in 1920s Brooklyn and a southern Florida retirement community in the late 1980s, the novel tells the life story of a woman who lived a long and full professional life as a pharmacist but who spent sixty-two years missing the only man she ever loved. When Augusta is reunited with her lost love, the mystery of their parting unfolds, and she learns that age doesn’t change who you are in your heart and it is never too late to begin again. I am not a lover of romance novels, but this one was not sappy. It is an enjoyable human story with fascinating historical context—Jewish food and folk remedies, old fashioned drugstores, gangsters, and women breaking the rules.

The rest of the books I LOVED and highly recommend (but not in any particular order)

What Kind of Woman by Kate Baer (2020) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
The first book I read in 2025 was this collection of poetry. This visceral, sensible book of poetry is all about being a sensitive and strong woman in a crazy world. I could rant and rave, rage, and rattle on about what it is to be a woman. I could do it with drama and a tad of style and be, perhaps, somewhat persuasive about what this life gives women to carry. But nothing I could say in an hour of rambling could say better than what one of the quiet little poems in this collection says about the life of a woman. Poetry is power to carry us forward toward light and wisdom. Daughter, mother, sister, wife, lover, caregiver, brilliant and fucked up all in one fell swoop. We are women. We are life and death, fury and love, says Kate Baer. And we are here, dammit. And from the best author’s note ever: “Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is either purely coincidental or an act of deep-seated revenge.”

How About Now by Kate Baer (2025) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
The last book I read in 2025 was Baer’s latest collection of poetry. As visceral and sensible as the collection above, but more nuanced and more soothing. In the five years between the two collections, the poet has not so much mellowed as she has wizened to the myth of women’s inferiority and is now matter-of-fact standing in her female power. Baer is less enraged, more accepting of the truth that we can control little in our lives and that we can (and should) let go of the ropes that bloody our palms holding on too tight. “The problem is the new life costs you the old one,” Baer opines. “How long it’s taken you to understand the difference between letting go and cutting through the rind.”

Lula Dean’s Little Free Library of Banned Books by Kirsten Miller (2024) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Belly laughing hilarious but also drop dead serious, this novel tells the story of a small southern town in the grips of a book-banning controversy. Archenemies since high school, Lula Dean (the town crank) and Beverly Underwood (a member of the school board), face off and all hell breaks loose. And when Beverly’s college student daughter returns to town and puts banned books in the covers of Lula’s “wholesome” books in her little free library, the town residents start reading and choosing sides. Miller is so clever in her use of well-known banned books—like Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret and The Hemingses of Monticello—and she takes delicious digs at the circus of book banning in Florida and Senator Josh Hawley’s ridiculous book Manhood. The novel deals with issues of race and racism, sexuality, slavery and history, friendship and family, community, and the power of books and reading to enlighten us, bring us together, and set us fucking free.

Go As a River by Shelley Read (2023) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
It is rare that I enjoy a coming of age story. I simply do not find the mistakes and naivety of youth compelling (maybe because I’m entering my dotage). But the protagonist here is a woman, not a man, which is relatively novel, and the historical landscape is intriguing. Set in rural Colorado after WWII, the story bends along side a river, forbidden love, peaches, and a dam project that destroys a town and makes a flood of memories and mistakes and grief. I cannot relate to most of the choices Victoria makes, but I admire this protagonist’s strength, resilience, and inspirational effort to save her grandfather’s famous peach trees. A great story, good writing, and deft sensitivity overcome an awkward detour toward the end of the novel to leave the reader pondering the meanings of family, racism, war, the power of secrets to drown us, and the remedy of time to see us safely to the shore.

Intermezzo by Sally Rooney (2024) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
A tale of two brothers, separated by ten years, misunderstandings, and profound grief. Both are struggling to cope with the death of their father and to find their footing in the world. They need each other, but neither knows how to traverse the chasm between them. Written with heart and melody, this story is about the space between a great loss and the beginning of a new life that must be charted out of sorrow. Intermezzo is hauntingly beautiful music about love and family, loss, meaning, the terror of loneliness, and the healing gift of forgiveness.

Three Days in June by Anne Tyler (2025) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Classic Anne Tyler. Absolutely nothing happens and you’re not disappointed. Because most days in our lives absolutely nothing happens. We are just ordinary folks doing the best we can, just like Tyler’s human characters. Simple weddings go off without a hitch. The routes of Sunday walks never vary. And maybe we adopt a cat. Not my favorite Anne Tyler, but solid writing, as always. She is an American literary treasure, and I LOVE her!

The God of the Woods by Liz Moore (2024) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
The God of the Woods is a brilliantly crafted novel. Quietly suspenseful, less the monsters of nightmares and more the horrors of our waking hours when we fear the world we know might swallow us whole. The parents at the heart of this horrifying story are loathsome. The father is cruel, and the mother is pathetic in her acceptance of her husband’s cruelty. But the stories of their lost children are compelling, heartbreaking, brutal. The stories of all the adults in the lives of the children who fail them offer a layered answer to the question: is it ever too late to do what is right? And, more to point of the god in the woods that haunts us, what price would we be willing to pay to free ourselves from the darkness?

The Bright Forever by Lee Martin (2006) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
A gripping, devastating tale about the disappearance of a nine-year-old girl in a small Indiana town, The Bright Forever is brilliant storytelling that unfolds from several perspectives, each stabbing you in the heart. Lee Martin is tender in his telling but also demanding, as his readers must turn every page with eyes wide open to the sometimes horrifying complexities of human character. Martin is a beautiful writer I greatly admire. I first read this book in 2018 after I met him at a book talk in St. Louis; and I reread it to prepare for his sequel to it, which was released in 2025 (The Evening Shades, below). I loved the novel at both readings, but this time around I appreciated its lovely crafting even more.

The Evening Shades by Lee Martin (2025) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Lee Martin has an unassuming, quiet way with words. He writes like he is telling you a story on the front porch in the cooling evening hours of summer. But by the end of his telling, your heart is breaking and something in your soul has shifted. I love that genius in a writer. I admire that calm belief in the whisper of words by a writer who refuses to shout. Sneaky brilliant bastards—and I mean that in the bestest way! I envy this talent in great writers. Lee Martin is one of those writers, and The Evening Shades, a sequel to The Bright Forever (above), will quietly break your heart and shift something deep within your soul. It is a story about loneliness, the sometimes devastating consequences of our human failings, and the truth that love may come late and change everything.

A Bit Much by Lyndsay Rush (2024) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Funny and light but brimming with wisdom, this laugh-out-loud and cry-every-20-poems collection is simply delightful. It is a diverting playlist of songs for women moving along imperfectly, juggling joy and madness, and being more than enough (and sometimes a bit much) though constantly undermined and undervalued by American society. “I’m going off the deep end/anyone want anything?…If anyone needs me for the next 2 hours/I’ll be just down the road/losing my mind.” I enjoyed losing my mind in this creative collection of poems, many to which I will return often.

The Wedding People by Alison Espach (2024) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Stuck in a dead-end job as an adjunct professor of English literature, reeling from her husband’s infidelity and her recent divorce, and still devastated by her failed attempts to get pregnant, Phoebe Stone is depressed and desperate. She has no parents or close friends to lean on, and when her cat dies she loses all faith in her ability to move forward. So she books a flight to Newport, Rhode Island, and a room in a swanky seaside hotel, where she has long dreamed of staying. She arrives at the hotel wearing a fancy green dress she’s had for years but has never worn, and she carries no luggage, her only needs at this point are the room service menu and the three remaining pills of her dead cat’s cancer meds she has tucked up in her purse. Although she’s not supposed to be there at all, the entire hotel having been reserved for a week-long wedding, she’s given the unoccupied penthouse room for one night. But as soon as she steps into the elevator with Lila, the force-of-nature bride, her suicide plan begins to unravel. What happens next is an extravagant wedding whirlwind, Phoebe swept up in Lila’s own personal drama as the two women strike up a quick, mutually fortuitous friendship. Phoebe endures awkward activities and hilarious interactions with the wedding people, and there is a deep and dark psychological dive into Phoebe’s life. It may sound crazy but it doesn’t read crazy at all that Lila and the wedding people will save Phoebe’s life (no spoiler here, because it’s clear early on that the pills Phoebe brought are hilariously insufficient, and she quickly admits to herself she wants to live but just doesn’t know how). Good pace, decent writing, and many tender moments as Phoebe faces her demons and leans into the oddly soothing company of strangers.

Raising Hare by Chloe Dalton (2025) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
During the pandemic lockdown, Chloe Dalton raised a hare and learned everything there is to know about hares, in biology and literature and art; and then she let that hare teach her things about life she didn’t know she needed to learn. I bet you didn’t know you needed to know a thing or two about hares. But you do. And you also need a chance to learn what Dalton learned, that a relationship with one animal might be a good start for changing your perspective on the world.

On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong (2019) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, a novel more poetry than prose, is … well … gorgeous. Words whisper and scream the cruelty and beauty of love and being made separate for difference, though that difference is the lovely texture of your soul. I had read Vuong’s poetry but missed this haunting immigrant story until a friend sent me a copy. Told in the form of a letter to a mother this novel paints the depths of longing and hurt, Vietnam, the war inside a son, and light that glimmers in the darkness.

Skinfolk by Matthew Pratt Guterl (2023) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Skinfolk is fine memoir, punching the reader in the heart while eschewing the sentimental. Guterl, a historian of race, writes frankly about his racially diverse family—white and black and brown, close and loving, bonded by kinship and shaped by the jagged edges of racism, from which their picket-fence, middle-class suburban upbringing cannot keep them safe. Without being a treatise on the privilege of whiteness, it exposes the depressing reality of a persistent racism in American society that cannot even be softened by liberal parents with all the best intentions in the world.

The World of Juliette Kinzie: Chicago before the Fire by Ann Durkin Keating (2019) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
This biography of Juliette Kinzie, an early white Chicago settler and historian of the city and the region, is a stellar example of the form. Keating not only makes the life of a woman mostly forgotten by history come to life, but she also uses biography as a lens to answer wider questions. Particularly fascinating is the erasure of Kinzie’s histories (not to mention her personal story), replaced by histories focused less on the family and community relationship of society and more on an individualistic, industrial, capitalist, male story that privileged politics and business and deemphasized women and the family. As the Great Chicago Fire became the before and after marker in the city’s history, so too the relevance of one woman. Who it is that writes our history is consequential, and within the ashes are stories told and retold, untold and rewritten. Juliette Kinzie understood this truth in 1844 when she published her first work, and it is no less true today, 181 years later. I don’t read many biographies, and when I select one to read I set a very high standard. The World of Juliette Kinzie ticks all of my persnickety boxes.

The Thursday Murder Club Series
This year I read all five books in the Thursday Murder Club series, thanks to an old Springfield friend who thought I would like them. In fact, I loved them all. They are funny and fun and deeply human. The heroes are old people I want to be when I get old, and the stories of friendship and vulnerability and resilience are heartwarming as well as instructive. I recommend all of them, and here they are in the order in which I read them.

The Last Devil to Die by Richard Osman (2023) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hard to believe murder, drug dealing, and antiques fraud can be adorable. But when the people cracking the case are four quirky pensioners at a retirement village it cannot help itself, I suppose. This fourth installment of the Thursday Murder Mystery Club series is funny and surprisingly poignant in places and I adored the characters. It’s Murder She Wrote x 4 + a British accent, which my daughter Mack always said makes everything better. I wish I could have read the series in order, but that’s the way the page turns when you want to read popular books from the library. I’d rather take them as they become available than wait for them one by one.

The Man Who Died Twice by Richard Osman (2021) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
The second installment of the Thursday Murder Club Mystery series is a hoot, same as the fourth installment. Long waiting times for library loans of these popular books forced me to be flexible in reading them. But I get why people love these Osman novels, and I am happy to share and wait my turn. They are murder mysteries, yes, cozies as amateur sleuthing novels are called; but I rather think their primary goal is to offer evidence that adventure and purpose are possible in our golden years, especially when we have great friends with whom to share them. The septuagenarian characters themselves are the point, not the murders they solve. I adore these old geezers (Ron’s term, not mine) who are grappling with all of the frailties and sorrows of old age but who are also, still, very much alive and kicking. I am especially fond of Joyce who says things like: “Blowing a man’s head off from four feet away probably doesn’t suit everyone. It wouldn’t suit me… Actually, perhaps it would suit me. You never know until you try, do you? I never thought I would like dark chocolate, for example.”

The Bullet That Missed by Richard Osman (2022) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
The third installment of the Thursday Murder Club is more complex murder mystery plot and a bit darker than the other two I have read, but no less enjoyable. Great pace and punch and wonderful supporting characters—Viktor the ex-KGB spy is hilarious! But, of course, the four Thursday Murder Club members are the stars (Joyce is still my fave). I hope I am as sharp and as game for adventure when I’m eighty as this glorious gang of geezers—“each and every one…barking mad!”

The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman (2020) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Because of Richard Osman, I now want to live in a sleepy (wink wink) retirement community when I grow up. What a romp, this series, delightful and witty, tender and jolly good fun. I mean, who wouldn’t want to hang out with these four quirky septuagenarians, eating lemon drizzle cake and solving murders? “We are around death here a lot,” says Joyce, “but even so, not everyone is bludgeoned, are they?” I’ve now read all four books in the series and anxiously await the movie this summer and the next book this fall. (P.S. I enjoyed the movie, brilliantly cast, but it wasn’t as good as the book).

The Impossible Fortune by Richard Osman (2025) ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Installment number 5 of the Thursday Murder Club is delightful, as expected. It is charmed with all the same qualities I love about the series: humor, fierce friendship, and old folks living life to the fullest. And, oh Joyce, you are still my favorite; although Ron is hobbling close behind you.

My three-heart books I enjoyed and recommend (in rough rank order)

What We Can Know by Ian McEwan (2025) ❤️❤️❤️
Reading this book was a bit like looking down on myself as a historian. In this enjoyable novel, the protagonist Thomas Metcalfe is an English scholar in 2119 hunting a lost poem written in 2014. The historical empathy he feels for the poet and his wife Vivien, for whom the poem was written, is similar to the empathy I feel for the historical figures I study. Matcalfe’s work is set in the future, in the context of catastrophic rising seas and destroyed and endangered archives, which I suppose helps the author see scholarly research as a treasure hunt. I have news for him, scholarly research by a passionate scholar in any decade is a treasure hunt. I found myself cheering for Metcalfe and finding my own empathy for the flawed Vivien, although the poet himself possessed few redeeming qualities. In the end, I liked the novel as well as I am capable of liking a novel set in the future. I would have been happy to give the story an extra heart if it was set in the present or the past.

The London Séance Society by Sarah Penner (2023) ❤️❤️❤️
“May mercy be upon the man who finds himself the enemy of a vengeful medium.” Well, indeed, Mr. Morley, men who prey on women deserve their ghostly purgatory. Penner’s follow-up to the delightfully twisted The Lost Apothecary gives another woman, this time an apprentice of the occult in Victorian London, the power to dispense her unique form of justice. Given all the bad men currently in power, I could use a healthy dose of these stories, Sarah Penner, pretty please!

The Life Impossible by Matt Haig (2024) ❤️❤️❤️
Whether you give into the fantasy or read the protagonist’s story as embellished by her to give one young man, her former student, hope, The Life Impossible is a story of second chances. No matter how old we are or how much we have suffered, we can always find a way to see the world as new. Grace, a retired math teacher, is heartbroken and lost to herself, her life given up for dead, but on the island of Ibiza off the coast of Spain, she embarks on a magical (and ordinary) adventure.

The Switch by Beth O’Leary (2020) ❤️❤️❤️
Leena Cotton, 29, is a mess. She’s struggling to cope with the death of her younger sister, and she just blew a big meeting at work and has been put on a forced leave of absence to get her head on straight. Eileen Cotton, 79, is not only grieving the death of her granddaughter but she’s reeling from her husband’s desertion for a younger woman. The struggling Cotton women hatch a hail-Mary plan to save themselves by swapping places. Leena moves into her grandmother’s folksy Yorkshire cottage, and Eileen moves into her granddaughter’s hip London flat. What happens next is hilarious and heartwarming, as these two lovely and brave women go all in to make new friends, search for healing, and find new love as well as themselves.

Knife by Salman Rushdie (2024) ❤️❤️❤️
Rushdie’s tale of the knife attack at Chautauqua Institution in 2022 that nearly killed him and cost him an eye, seeks no pity. It is a matter-of-fact telling, a writer using his talent to try to make sense of a horrifying human experience (if that is even possible). It is a brave exploration of trauma and what happens when we lose our sense of security. Rushdie also weighs in on freedom of expression, the power of family, one-eyed characters in literature, and the dangers of religious fanaticism. I read this book right before going to Chautauqua, which was super freaky. But I can report that was not attacked when I delivered my lecture there, thank goodness. But then again, I do Abraham Lincoln and Rushdie does religious fanaticism.

The Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery (2015) ❤️❤️❤️
A couple of years ago, I fell in love with a fictional talking octopus named Marcellus. After reading his story in the phenomenal Remarkably Bright Creatures (on my all-time favorite book list), a friend recommended this lovely book. I finally got around to reading it, and now I love real octopuses, too! They really are remarkable and bright.

Saving Time by Jenny Odell (2023) ❤️❤️❤️
Hmm. Time. To contemplate it in some ways is to breathe it away with every word of the book and every thought it conjured. It was interesting to learn about the gendered, economic, social, and climate-crisis context of time, so much of which I had never before considered. It was fascinating to think about how time owns us, the ways it is commodified, and how people and jobs and society define it for us. I appreciated the historic context of time the author provided, particularly the background of CPT, a term my Black sister-in-law always used; a term I understood but had never fully comprehended its roots in resistance. And how humbling it was as I read to interrogate my own resistance and compliance and all the energy expended to control time across the decades and changing circumstances of my life. It is a privileged position to spend time thinking about time. Yet I am left wondering if knowledge regarding time is a sad substitute for the naïve mind of the child who believes time is endless and she will never die. As I have far more time behind me than in front of me now, I rather think I will now try to forget about time entirely.

Benevolence by Julie Janson (2022) ❤️❤️❤️
This story of a native Australian woman and the horrific cruelties of British colonialism is hard to take, page after page of violence and injustice. But you keep your heart open, because Muraging’s heart is open, her voice defiant, and her spirit strong.

James by Purcival Everett (2024) ❤️❤️❤️
James is a wonderful compliment to Huckleberry Finn. How obvious, and also how provocative, that two people can be on a journey together, but that one chose the journey and the other was forced to the journey changes everything. The good sense and compassion of James is breathtaking; and the juxtaposition of Huck’s youthful ignorance and James’s quiet intelligence is revealing. But this is an adventure story at its heart, and the relentless disasters—a house floating down river, a stint as a singer in a minstrel show, the explosion of a steamboat, and multiple captures and running away is too much for me. Man stories like this one just don’t float my river boat. However, I do honor Everett’s creativity in offering a brave counter narrative to an iconic story by one of the best American storytellers.

Good Taste by Caroline Scott (2023) ❤️❤️❤️
Stella is a writer working on a history of English food. It’s 1932, and she’s struggling to make ends meet while grieving the death of her mother and helping her father to cope. Despite the dark backdrop, this is a light-hearted novel, full of friendship and food. The history of various English dishes is interesting and the descriptions of food are wonderful (except when they get too British and veer into the offal). Stella’s journey as a writer and a woman finding her footing in an uncertain world is compelling, her collection of recipes and tradition is good fun, and watching her find herself and the spirit of her mother along the way makes for perfect escape reading.

The Artist and the Feast by Lucy Steeds (2025) ❤️❤️❤️
Moody as well as vibrant in its description of art and food and color this is the story of a French painter, the young Englishman who has come to write his story, and a young woman trapped between life and art. Good story, good writing, what more does a reader need? Well, I guess I need a bit more, because something was missing for me—although I don’t have any idea what it was.

Books I enjoyed but might not be for everyone… (In alphabetical order)

Don’t Let Him In by Lisa Jewell (2025) ❤️❤️❤️
A psychopath. A bunch of wronged women. Diabolical deception. Murder. The latest Jewell is dark, twisty, horrifying, and uncomfortably delicious. Note: for the thriller reader.

The Elements of Marie Curie by Dava Sobel (2024) ❤️❤️❤️
The publisher called it a “radiant biography” (har har), but I’m not sure the book lived up to the polonium and radium (the two chemical elements Curie discovered), let alone the whole life of the most famous woman ever in the history of science. There is much detail and insight in the book about the chemist and her work, but the biography is not a particularly human portrait. Yet it is a decent, historically grounded biography that reveals much about Curie’s pioneering path in science and offers evidence of her personal integrity, her parenting of two brilliant daughters, and the women she mentored and inspired. And P.S. Did you know Marie Curie died from aplastic anemia, a result of her long exposure to radiation? Goodness sakes, but then again maybe that just makes her ordinary, just another woman in the history of the world broken down by her work. Note: for the science reader or lover of biographies, particularly those of women.

None of This Is True by Lisa Jewell (2023) ❤️❤️❤️
There are lies, damned lies, and the lies of Josie Fair. A fast and suspenseful story about birthday twins—Josie, a desperate housewife clad in denim; and Alix Summer, a glamorous podcaster who tells women’s truths. But Josie’s story is full of holes, and when she shows up at Alix’s home bloodied and bruised, it all goes dark and twisty in a hurry. I listened to the audio book, and the readers, music, and sound design made the listen great fun. The story lived up to its billing as a thriller. I probably won’t remember the plot or the characters a year from now, but None of This Is True was a very entertaining, 10.5-hour ride. Note: for the thriller reader.

This Dog Will Save Your Life by Elias Weiss Friedman (2025) ❤️❤️❤️
There might not be anyone in the world who loves dogs more than Friedman. He’s made a career celebrating dogs, making his mark on social media with The Dogist. His easy breezy book of short essays is an ode to our best furry friends, filled with heartwarming (and a few heartbreaking) stories. It’s a real dog treat, better than a whole box of milk bones! Follow the Dogist on Instagram. Note: for the dog lover.

Yoga and the Path of the Urban Mystic by Darren Main (2010) ❤️❤️❤️
Contrary to the word mystic in the title and the ancient traditions of yoga the author seeks to explain, this book is a readable, down-to-earth, modern interpretation of the eight limbs of yoga. It is one thing to practice the poses and breathing of yoga. It is another to integrate breath and movement and mindfulness on the yoga mat. And it is yet another to bring the totality of yoga and its benefits into a modern, American life. Darren Main offers stories and suggestions to do the latter. You don’t have to cloister yourself away from the world to be a true yogi and, in fact, to be a modern yogi is to take what we learn on the mat about our humanity and be better members of our families, our communities, and the world. I’m doing a lot of reading for my yoga teacher training course and had no intention of reviewing any of the books. But this one is as much about living a wholehearted life as it is about the ancient practice of yoga. And there is the deeply personal and lovely quality of good memoir here, too; it’s about one yogi’s yoga practice and his life journey to peace and wisdom. Note: for the serious yoga practitioner.

And, finally, the books I did not much like at all and do not recommend

The Women by Kristin Hannah (2024) ❤️❤️
Ugh. I hate it when I fail to take my own advice. I said I would not read another of Hannah’s novels, which always give me hope of a great journey and then drive me off the cliff of disappointment. But the audio version of The Women was available and I love historical fiction, so I checked it out of the library while I was waiting for my next requested audio book to be available. The writing is good and the beginning of this novel is solid (thus the two hearts). At first, I really liked the protagonist, a young nurse who volunteers to go to Vietnam. Frankie’s courage to serve, the development of her nursing skills practiced in terrifying conditions, and her tender relationships with other nurses are compelling. And then Frankie comes home from the war, and this book’s journey drives right off the San Diego-Coronado Bridge. Almost everything Frankie does after her return home is exasperating. Her stutters in peace given the courage she showed in war often make no sense whatsoever in the storyline. There are three ridiculous coincidences (a bad habit of Hannah novels) and one bizarre plot choice not worth explaining. Hannah’s point is to give life to the forgotten story of women serving in Vietnam, and that is important and I appreciate it. But by the end of the novel, I really didn’t care what happened to Frankie anymore.

Small World by Laura Zigman (2023) ❤️ ❤️
Joyce and Lydia are the most unlikable sisters I have ever read. Two divorced, childless, middle-aged women, they move in together and try and fail and try and fail to become friends. Though they blame their brokenness on their childhood, they really have only themselves to blame for being the annoying, grumpy grown-up women they are. I kind of hate them for hating their mother for spending so much of her energy on her third child, a severely disabled girl who died at the age of ten. I came around a little in the end, when Joyce and Lydia finally had an honest discussion, the pace of the story was easy, and I wanted to see what happened with their neighbors upstairs. But, meh. This novel is another one for my long list of books the New York Times book reviewers got wrong.

The Mango Tree by Annabelle Tometich (2024) ❤️❤️
If you believe people can remember dialogue from when they were five years old, then by all means, tuck into this memoir about a kid stuck between her Filipino and white identities. It is a decent story, albeit sluggish at the end, and it has some good writing and funny bits set in the Philippines. But crikey, I just didn’t find this memoirist a trustworthy storyteller.

The Woman in Suite 11 by Ruth Ware (2025) ❤️
This sequel to The Woman in Cabin 10 missed the mark by 10, at least, and the child voices the narrator performed in the audio book made the book ten times worse than it had to be. It was my first disappointing Ruth Ware. I wish the heroine Lo Blacklock had never got out of the North Sea alive in the first novel.

The Mysterious Bakery on Rue du Paris by Evie Woods (2025) ❤️
The ingredients of this half-baked pastry are lots of sap, a heaping cup of sleepy-time tea, and a few pinches of bullshit. I like cupcakes but not cupcakes like this female protagonist who goes to Paris to find herself and ends up in the burbs wearing a sexy red dress and high heels for a Frenchman in a Land Rover. Started okay, fell in the middle like an underbaked genoise sponge, and what a disappointing, fake-vanilla finish. Not mysterious at all. Just a damned Disney princess romance set in a French bakery. Yuck. I enjoyed Woods’ previous book, The Lost Bookshop, but this one’s a real claggy clunker unless you like stories where the man saves the day and sweeps the little lady off her feet.

I Cried for a Bird

The bird was dead in the morning
And I sobbed.

Though I hadn’t cried in weeks,
Not for my country,
Or Palestinians,
Or immigrants imprisoned,
Or the attack on the NEH that funds my life’s work.

But for a bird, I cried
For a grackle, who would have grown up to harass my ubiquity of sparrows.

I sobbed for that little black bird
As I buried her in the apple mint,
As I fed the dogs,
As I brewed my coffee,
I sobbed.

Though I hadn’t cried in weeks,
Not for my besieged government,
Or atrocities in Sudan,
Or the erasure of our history,
Or the politics of cruelty that threatens our democracy.

I cried for a bird.

The bird was dead in the morning,
And I sobbed.

The Bird by Stacy Lynn (mixed media)

Hell and My Next Big Project

Seventy-two hours to fill was daunting at 7 a.m. and took a turn for the worst when Dorothy Parker Doodle acted a fool at the farmer’s market. Wrapping the leash around by legs and jumping up on vendor tables as I purchased pea shoots and spring lettuce and an apple pastry, she wrecked my concentration on Zen. By 8 a.m., back at home, the colorful list of goals I had written on the white board on the fridge was laughing at me.

Ha ha ha, bah ha ha, silly lonely old woman, just try to make that lazy list last until Monday at bedtime.

I added “work ½ day Monday” to reduce the time by three and a half hours and to calm my nerves. I stood there, with marker in hand, thinking about what else I could add.

Shampoo the rugs? No, you did that last weekend, and it only filled an hour anyway.

Pull the weeds on the brick sidewalk? Really? You want to hang out with a million cicadas?

Promise to make three watercolor paintings, one for each day of this interminable Memorial Day weekend? No, hell no, you know you should not promise final paintings, that is too much pressure for art therapy.

 Ok, how about a long walk up to campus and back? Sure, that’s ninety minutes down and time to think up ways to take down a few more.

This is the dance I do in my head every weekend when I don’t have plans to travel or see people and don’t have a big project going. Such dancing is why I am sitting on my sofa writing a blog post about how messed up it is that I struggle so much to see my way to the other side of a lazy weekend.

When I was a young working mom with a husband and a big old house and giant garden, I would have sold my soul to the devil for a long weekend to do nothing more strenuous than trimming one bush in the yard. I can remember the regular dejection of facing even a two-day weekend with not one hour of free time to read a novel in a comfortable chair. Now that I live alone, have a job that lets me let go at the end of a reasonable workday, and a porch that is heaven, I struggle with down time for even a few hours on a Tuesday, let alone a three-day holiday weekend with no travel or social plans in place.

It is mental. I know it is mental. It is also the audacity of privilege to be so, um…privileged to fret about my lucky leisure. But this is the anxious, still-learning-to-live-alone-and-be-alone me, with best friends far flung, and sitting right now in the uncomfortable space between big projects. I’ve learned enough about myself these past five years to know that my peace is thwarted by a steep learning curve to feel at ease with all my leisure time. Though I try to let the spirit of my cucumber-calm, easy-breezy Mack be my teacher, she sees no passing grade in my near future. Unlike her, I am incapable of happily passing one hour with only a family-sized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos to entertain me.

Heaven may be waiting for me on my front porch, but hell is a lazy day not working.

In so many ways, I am a super woman with superpowers. I am creative and productive, confident, wise, and comfortable in my beautiful, wrinkling skin. I get to spend my workweek with Jane Addams earning a queen’s ransom to study and write about history, one of the great loves of my life. I’ve just written my third book; and I know that not just anyone can write a book, and I am so proud to be among those who can. I have also curated a home perfectly suited to the peaceful path on which I have set my own two feet. I am well, and yet too much time to think can undo me.

Welcome to life, says life and then she adds:

Come on now, super woman old gal, you know that life is a constant journey to find balance and to be at peace when your center of balance is shifting. You know it will always be a struggle for you to be comfortable living alone, even though you want more than anything to be a bad-ass independent king-free Queen. You know you are a work in progress like every life is a work in progress, and you know you don’t need straight A’s in every goddammed thing in order to make good progress.

Yes. I know it. I know it all, especially that I am well. This is just an anxious space between big projects. This is simply the passing through Saturday to Sunday and Monday and into my future. This is an imperfect me still getting used to living alone. This is the anxious me learning to be as comfortable with my growing-learning-becoming times as I am comfortable in my beautiful, wrinkling skin. Some day, I hope Mack will give me a B+ for happily spending an hour on the sofa with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and doing nothing else and thinking about nothing else but eating those chips and enjoying them. I will dutifully and steadily march onward toward that day.

Although I spent the first morning of this long holiday weekend wobbled by the unfortunate trip to the farmer’s market, I realize upon reflection that this long holiday weekend feels a little less angsty than the last one. The list I prepared to survive this long weekend is more balanced. This time I feel more willing to give myself grace. And as I write this blog post (and knock off one of the items on my survival list), I feel considerably calmer. I am still afraid I have too much time on my hands and am worried so much leisure time will result in too much thinking and overthinking and anxiety. However, I am feeling freer to lean in the direction of leisure and, who knows, maybe I will pass this planned lazy, three-day weekend and almost like it.

Especially if I succeed with the most important item on the white-board list: “settle on my next BIG PROJECT.”

And there it is. The pressure. Right back on and screaming. I really am a long way to those lazy Doritos and a Mack passing grade, aren’t I? I said I was a super woman, not Superwoman. I can only promise to find a little heaven during this hell of a three-day weekend; and if I succeed in selecting my next big project, I’ll have enough good work to get me through at least the next year or two of long weekends.

October 7

In late September 2019, I was emerging from the dense fog of grief, but I was still wobbly with heartbreak, and I was terrified. I was facing a new life on my own, packing and preparing to close on a new house in a new town at the end of the month. Change is a challenge in the best of circumstances. It can uncomfortably bend or break us even when we are strong and well-prepared. It is risky and daunting when you are grieving. It had taken every grain of grit I could collect from the ruins of my old life to set in motion this plan for building a new one. Even small things like a superficial papercut from a cardboard packing box could provoke an anxiety attack. I was a wreck that month, and before I moved I knew I needed to calm my nerves and find my courage.

So the weekend before I was scheduled to close on the house, I drove from St. Louis to outstate Missouri to visit some old friends from my Springfield days. Kurt and Alicia are two of my most calming influences, and I needed to soak up their good sense and soothing natures. I was relaxing on their beautiful deck, just settling in for a peaceful weekend, when my realtor called to tell me that he needed to push back my closing by one week, a minor glitch regarding the title. He said the closing was now scheduled for October 7.

October 7.

I sucked in my breath.

“No…No….No,” I whispered into the phone. “I can’t do October 7.” I told him I’d have to check my calendar and call him back.

Oh, Mack, how I miss your face.

I could not possibly start the new life I was planning on the very day my old life fell apart. October 7, 2014, was the day my darling Mack was taken from me, and every October 7 since had been a horrible reenactment of that nightmare of a day. October 7 was not just a day on the calendar. It could not be scheduled or rescheduled. It was a memory, a misery, a mark in angry, black Sharpie upon a terrible page of my life.

Kurt calmed me down, and then I called Savannah. My savvy and sassy elder daughter is my joy and my salvation. She is the reason I keep breathing, and she was my inspiration for taking hold of my life and making this plan for moving forward. I told her the realtor wanted to reschedule my closing for October 7. She sucked in her breath, and then she sighed. “Oh, my God, Mom, they want me to start my new job on October 7. Maybe we both need to say yes. Maybe Mackenzie wants us to remake this day.”

And so we did.

On October 7, 2019, Savannah started her exciting and better paying new job at a tech start-up in Chicago, and I closed on my charming 1919 bungalow and moved into my new life. It has not been an easy path for me. Learning to live alone, to maintain an old house on my own, and to build a new life in a very small town has been a struggle. The pandemic also interrupted my adjustment, of course, and I am still plagued with doubt and anxiety. However, I have made some great strides here in this old house and new life. I have discovered hidden talents, developed new skills, and collected a lot more grit in this effort. Most importantly, I have accepted my new life and my new self as a collective work in progress, an unpredictable journey upon bumpy roads with glorious scenery as far as my eyes can see.

I have survived three October 7s in my cozy, quiet bungalow. This year, I will survive a fourth. I will, if I am lucky, survive many more. October 7 remains more than a date on a calendar. It will always be a memory and a misery, marking the passing of my beautiful girl. But now it also marks the moment I began curating my own peace in my own place in honor of both my daughters. Savannah inspired this remaking of October 7, and Mack’s spirit may well have engineered it.

On every October 7 for the rest of my life, I will relive a mother’s nightmare and feel the loss of Mack more keenly. I will also give myself permission, with a happy license from Mack, to acknowledge every October 7 as the first day of my bold beginning. I have come to believe that all dates on a calendar are more than dates on a calendar. In the end, every day we breathe is momentous, and no date over the course of a lifetime is all darkness or all light. Each date of the year in every year of every life is a collection of stories, snippets of who we are and all we have experienced in our lovely and fragile human existence. Dates on a calendar make up an index of our history, marking our memories in time.

The Seriousness of Silly Soap Stories

In the shower the other day, I threw a bar of soap with an uninspired floral scent over the glass shower wall.  I am an afficionado of strong scented, beautifully crafted soaps, and this bar was a dud. I deserved better. I was aiming for the sink, where the soap loser could await its fated deposit into the garbage bin. Instead, the thick bar slid down the inner side of the sink nearest the shower, traveled across the bottom of the basin and picked up speed, ramping up the other side of the sink. The soap then flew up into the steamy air before landing with a plop into a small drinking cup perched on the top of the sink. I squealed. It was like a three-point shot from midcourt at the buzzer.

But there were no cheering fans to adore me. No partner to call to the bathroom to share the story of my sensational shot. No handy family member or friend to regale with my dramatic telling. No one but me to care that a story of soap was a joyful beginning to another morning of my life on the planet.

You see, along with the momentous moments of life, I also need to share the mundane and the absurdities. When I read an interesting news article, get lost in a great book, or see a person in a taco suit on my noontime walk, I want to tell someone about it. I need to tell someone about it. For me, it’s less interesting, less great, and far less funny if I can’t share it. Mack was like that, too. She wanted the people around her to take part in the things that amused her, and those amusements were enhanced by the sharing. She is the one I most wanted to call to share the story of Stacy’s spectacular soap shot.

Instead, I threw the soap in the bin where it belonged, got dressed, and went downstairs to my home office to start my day. No one to tell, so I put the soap out of my mind; what do little dogs know of soap and midcourt shots at the buzzer? I did wonder, however, if my ex-husband Kevin got a little twinge in his stomach at the moment I squealed over that soap. The twinge like a ghost of the past giving him a strange sense that he had been saved from another drawn-out telling of a silly story, Stacy’s eyes wide as she told it with her hands and her eyeballs and her words, fast like a child, chattering on and on and starting the story all over again.

Clearly, I didn’t forget about the soap. I’m writing about the soap story because it got me analyzing myself in the context of this new quiet life of mine. I am a storytelling chatterbox living alone, and that has been of surprising consequence to me, I suppose, and I’m just now realizing it. Oh, I text or call my daughter Savannah several times a week, and she indulges my stories when I tell them. My sister will tolerate my stories while she has a cocktail in hand. My mother, who lives far away, always appears to be listening to my stories when I tell them, but really I think she is just measuring the size of my eyeballs as I jabber on, telling the story two or three times to make sure she hears it all. And, I also have friends, near and far, with whom I will relate a story or two, if I remember a good one when I see them.

Yet I think it is true, that living alone has altered the rhythm of my storytelling, narrowed my eyes and dimmed the sparkle. This realization of diminished, daily storytelling is another clue to me that I am struggling to adjust to living alone, to relying on myself for everything that I want and need. For fifty-three years I lived with my family, then college roommates, and then a husband and daughters. For fifty-three years, I had a captive audience. I’ve only been solo for two years, and almost all of that time during a global pandemic. Such a change was bound to be dramatic, radical even, and it has altered many rhythms of my life.

And that’s okay. Good, maybe. Or, perhaps, even great. The altered rhythm of a heart demands attention, requires assessment, suggests treatment. Why not the rhythms of a life?

What the altered rhythm of my storytelling means going forward, I do not know. I realize now that I have always found joy in sharing the stories of my life, particularly the silly ones, and also in sharing my observations about the world. Perhaps that is why since living alone I have taken to Instagram. It is no true substitute, of course, but it has given me an outlet, especially on the many days in each week when there are only the walls and the dogs to hear my stories and random observations.

I miss the chattering, the animated telling, and the instant gratification of getting the words, the thought or the story, into the ears and the heart and the funny bone of someone I care about. Not a great reflection of myself, centered as it is upon my ego. But that statement is the truest statement I have written about myself in a long time.

Perhaps I should learn how to enjoy unusual occurrences like spectacular soap shots all by myself  in the same way I learned how to use a drill and to cook for one. With practice. And cursing. Lots and lots of people are content to live quietly, laugh on the inside, and leave it to other people to tell the stories. Why couldn’t I just be one of them? Because, if I am honest, I am not and likely never will be quiet. I’m a talker. Talking is what I do.

Perhaps I should start a special journal to record my soap stories. Writing them out and reading them later might provide a similar feeling to the satisfaction I get from talking to people. Nah. This option sounds like a lot work, a little pathetic, and slightly off the mark. Before this introspective rambling, I never thought of myself as a performer, but now I wonder if that might be part of it.

Perhaps living alone is not for me, after all. Maybe I am one of those people who needs a partner, a captive audience with whom to share my daily soap stories. Or maybe it is going to take so much time to get used to living alone that I will never get used to living alone. Goodness. I hope not. On both counts, I hope not. Because I am a long way from healthy enough to live with somebody else, and I may not be for a long time or ever. Besides, although I admit I am needy of attention, the peace and privilege of making all the rules and curating every corner of my house and my yard, all on my own, is too lovely to give up. And, I know for certain, that having to compromise only with dogs and myself provides the most blissful environment in which to figure out what ails me and what heals me.

For now, maybe I’ll just talk to the walls or tell my stories to myself, out loud, while I take my daily walk. What if some, or a lot, of the people we see muttering to themselves on city streets, aren’t mentally ill, but people just like me. Chatterboxes with no one to tell their stores. Hmm… That’s an interesting idea to ponder on a Saturday afternoon, blustery with indoor weather.

I think, I’ll just try telling my stories to the dogs, and see how it goes.

Writing away the Shadows

The Winter Solstice, which I passed with a small group of lovely (vaccinated and boosted) new friends, was, as it always is, a charm against my onset-of-winter melancholy. Though the prairie winds blow cold, now that the days are slowly lengthening as we stretch our way to spring, I am okay. I am well, I promise, but I need to write a few bitter shadows off my heart.

I have survived another set of holidays. Another four seasons. Another year without her, my baby girl, my Mack. I have passed another 365 days of missing her grin and her giggle and her light against my darkness. This year was not easy. Nor was it easier than last year, or the year before that. It is not getting easier, despite the promises of well-meaning people trying to make me feel better. For me it will never be easy. It will just be different. Different the way summer feels different with every additional year between the human I am now and the human I was when I was barefoot and ten in the backyard of childhood.

I know myself well enough to accept and to admit that from Thanksgiving through Christmas, I am the worst of me. Sorrow, anxiety, and impatience override joy, productivity, and peace. The short days and long nights and my false cheer for the holidays and my shame for humbug plague me, and they will, I suspect, forever conjure the ghosts that haunt me. My grieving-mother sadness is the primary source of my melancholy, of course, but I also suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, which rubs like course sandpaper against the raw edges of my grief. This is an annual torment, and it always takes me three cycles of the moon to accept the end of warm and joyful summer.

Yet this December I leaned sadder than usual. My divorce being finalized and my beloved dog Pepper’s health problems cast menacing spells against my spirit and made the melancholy debilitating for a number of days. Burying a female house sparrow who died on my porch on December 19 made the last two days to the Winter Solstice a moody struggle. And although I have tried to keep other negative emotions in check, I have also been angry and filled with despair. My fury and frustration rising with every new report on the climate crisis, deadly tornadoes in December, and the pandemic going on and on and on because so many selfish Americans falsely believe that public health policy is a violation of their individual rights.

“What about my individual rights,” I screamed as I paced through my empty house these past few weeks. “Don’t I deserve during my hardest time of the year to be surrounded by people without having to worry about my health and the possibility of making my loved ones unwell?” Family and friends are my medicine against grief, and this fucking pandemic has withheld in large measure the remedy that sustains me.

And then there was the added insult of writer’s block.

In early November, I began a new scholarly project, which during my struggle season was unfortunate timing. At the beginnings of big projects when I am setting my head to a difficult task, the intellectual power that effort requires zaps my energy, stealing away the creative power I usually ration so well for my personal, therapy writing. The writer’s block this year has been as difficult as anything to endure. Writing is my solace, especially when I am at my worst, in my seasonal doldrums, when I need most to turn my emotions into words and sentences, paragraphs, prose, and bad poetry. This year that coping mechanism failed me. Next year, I will be more cognizant about keeping safe the ration for personal writing, because although I make a great many mistakes, my grief has made a good student of learning what I need to survive the difficult and beautiful condition of being human. Already with the packing away of another year of holidays, made as joyful as absolutely possible by my good and cheerful sister Tracy, and with my new project well underway, my attitude is brighter even as I pen this last blog essay of 2021.

You see, I really I am okay. I struggle, yes, but I am capable of finding my way back home. Now that I have written away the bitter shadows, I feel lighter. I am lighter. Even as my head is filled up with the brains of a cynic who ascribes no tangible value, no magic, to the turn of the New Year, I am hopeful I will find purpose and peace in 2022. Perhaps it is simply the pleasant surprise of my survival of another year which has provided this shift in perspective. I forget sometimes that I can do hard things, and when I am reminded that I can I am grateful. Gratitude frames my mind to see the long winter in front of me as time to work on another book, to rest, and to wonder. And as each passing day gets a little longer, I will be stretching my spirit toward the spring.

Here is to a productive and peaceful winter to us all.

The Dorothy-Parker inspired ditty below is the only thing of any value I managed to write in the past two months. More bad poetry, I know, and I’m sorry! But Mack would appreciate it, and that makes it okay by me.

Writer’s Block
Some days I can write on for hours,
So clever I am with my pen;
But then comes a clog in
My thick, stupid noggin,
And I think I shall never write again.

In our front yard in Springfield, May 2012, this is one of my favorite photos of me and Mack
(although it is a rare serious pose and one of her in a dress!).
To me she was was always larger than life, and in so many ways she still is.

The Fears of Bug

On the outside, my long-haired chihuahua mix is golden and gorgeous. Her fur is the blended color of sunshine and fields of wheat turning autumn shades of amber. Her face is chiseled and dainty, and her delicate, pointed snout and dreamy, doe eyes would place Bug in the cute-as-a-bug category of dogs even without the glorious ears that stretch up as if to reach me when I call her name. Bug is sweet and gentle, my lamb, my snuggles, my dear littlest one.

On the inside of Bug, however, are scars and shadows on her willowy bones from anxieties I will never understand. She must be carried up the staircase to bed, but she scrambles down the steps quickly to breakfast all by herself every morning. She trembles at the sound of thunder, but she is brave in her demand that squirrels stay off our porch. She’s shy around men and distrustful of people in uniforms, but she adores the six people she has invited into her nervous little heart.

I adore Miss Bug for her goofy, heartwarming cuteness, even though loving her has required an acceptance of quirky, contradictory, and sometimes infuriating behaviors, like her interminable searching for the poop spot that will allow the least amount of contact of her precious butt with itchy or wet or unfamiliar surfaces. Patience is as important as love in my tending of Bug. If she were a human child, I would have her tested for Asperger Syndrome and practice strategies to improve her social skills and make her more comfortable with the spontaneous, unexpected things that pop up when you are a living creature on this crazy planet. But, Bug is dog, just seven pounds, and even though her neuroses have neuroses, she’s not that much trouble.

Most of the time.

Last night, though, around 3 a.m., just a couple hours after I had stopped reading and settled into a deep sleep, a scream like a banshee from nightmares pierced the quiet dark. My heart jumped like a startled frog into my throat, and I sat bolt upright in bed. I lunged for Pepper, my middle-aged Pomeranian with congestive heart failure, my mind going straight to painful heart attack. But she was sitting up, engaging her annoyance gurgle, having also been yanked from peaceful slumber by the terrible screech. I reached then for Bug, who sleeps on the pillow next to me. She wasn’t there, but I could hear her squeaking and struggling. I found her wiggling body tucked under and between our two pillows, her head pushed through the slats of the headboard. I pulled her free, and she melted into my arms. And then as if we were members of a freaky, psychically-connected chorus, all three of us let out long, whispery sighs.

I’ll never know for certain, but I think in her sleep Bug must have dreamed herself into that pickle between and under the pillows, woke up with her head in that scary and dark place between the headboard and the wall, and screamed out in holy horror.

Pepper rolled over on her back and went right back to sleep, while I tucked Bug under my arm, cuddling her deep into the comforter. I took some deep, meditative breaths to ease my body back into rest, and then I remembered I had heard that scream once before. A couple of years ago, while running up the long hallway of the loft where we lived in St. Louis, Bug screamed like a banshee from nightmares and fainted dead away. I thought she really was dead, limp in my arms when I picked her up. After a minute or two, however, she woke up and I rushed her to the vet. There was nothing at all wrong with her. The vet surmised that she might have twisted her leg or hyperextended her tiny knee while running fast, that she might have felt pain or a twinge or took an unexpected skid that scared her so badly she fainted.

Two years ago, I took my screaming, fainting chihuahua to the vet. Last night, I cuddled my screaming, terrified chihuahua and showered her with love and patience until she fell back into an easy slumber. Once her breathing was even and she was tucked away in a good dream, I closed my eyes and joined my funny little family in sleep.

The Innocence of Grandmothers

She is wearing a black blouse with bold pink flowers. Cabbage roses, they are, as big as her smooth cheeks, which are blushed to match them. I recognize my grandmother in the photograph, but her sweet, hopeful gaze, and the invincibility of her youth is that of a woman I do not know. It is 1943. Kathleen is twenty. She is the wife of a young man who is leaving for war. She is a young mother of two baby boys, my own mother not yet a sparkle in her eyes.

On her young face, there are no lines etched by three decades of factory labor. None textured with the grief of widowhood, which will come to her when she is forty-four, less than a year after I am born. There is no trace of the sorrowful eyes that I remember, the eyes that were a window to the pain of her loneliness, raging diabetes, and the heart disease that would take her life before she turned seventy. No, this Kathleen in the photograph, wrapped up in the arms of a handsome, bright-eyed soldier, who does not know what the war will do to them, is a vision of hope, of purpose, and of life all out in front of her.

Would that we could know the innocence of our grandmothers. To know the girls that bloomed their wisdom. To be friends with the women they were when their best days were in front instead of behind them. My grandmother had grit and humor, grown of her struggles. She taught me to trust my voice and the power of raising it. I loved her and appreciated her rough edges, which often snagged the tapestry of expectations about traditional grandmothers.

She was special to me because she was my grandmother and she loved me unconditionally. She was extraordinary to me because she was a woman who survived great hardship and profound grief and still she could belly laugh at a dirty joke and find joy eating sweets against doctor’s orders, or watching professional wrestling, or teaching her grandchildren how to curse like male factory workers in the 1950s.

But I wish my affection for my grandmother could have been rooted more deeply, as well, in the whole being of Kathleen. I wish her life could have overlapped with my desire to know her better. I wish I would have asked her what it was like to be twenty. In 1943. When she was young and the world was at war. I wish I would have asked her about that crazy blouse with cabbage roses and the bright blush upon her cheeks, and what she was thinking when she posed with my grandfather for that photograph. A photograph that is an artifact of the 1940s. A photograph that is evidence of both my tether to and my distance from my grandmother, far away and across the distance of eighty years and two generations of a family. 

Winter Ughs and Uggs

Winter coming on as a global pandemic heats up is a one-two punch to my gut. Even winters passed with dear friends in warm kitchens and cozy pubs doesn’t melt the ice between me and the jerk Old Man Winter. The bitter air, the sleet and snow, the short days and the overcast skies, and turtlenecks and fleece that make my thin hair fly out kooky away from head make me grumpy. Seasonal Affective Disorder is not fake news. I get it every year. Black Friday means red-hot shopping deals for most people, but for me Black Friday means the arrival of my winter blues.

I hate the cold months. I abhor snow flurries. And as a daily pedestrian, I abominate sidewalk skating rinks created when an Illinois winter storm can’t decide whether it prefers to drown me in freezing cold rain or bury me under the snow. I am a sun worshipping, flip-flop wearing woman who loves to sweat and to bake my skin in the heat of a muggy Midwestern summer. I like my arms free of sleeves. I want to live every day in bare feet without socks and shoes hindering the wiggling of my painted toes. I love my freckles, bursting in July and August, when tomatoes are ripe and cold beer beats the heat at a backyard cookout with friends.

Summer is my season, and Thanksgiving, otherwise known as the American launch of Christmas, marks the end of it. No more Indian summers to keep me in denial. Thanksgiving fills up my belly with my sister’s wonderful food all jacked up on carbs and calories, but it leaves my summer-loving heart bitter and empty. Every year, just as the Thanksgiving sun sets and I’m falling into a food coma, winter shows up. It watches me get all liquored and fooded up on Thanksgiving, and as if to smite me—because that’s the kind of season winter is, a smiting season—it moves in while I am weak and whining about how much unhealthy food I have just consumed. And then, that jerk throws his winter blues at me when I’m too fat to get out of the way.

I don’t have a lot of coping strategies for my winter blues. My way is to cry about the cold, badmouth sledding and snow angels, and blame winter for my bah humbugging of Christmas. All of the standard winter rituals get me down. But there is one personal winter ritual that doesn’t completely ruin my life: the rotation of shoes in my closet. I put away my flip flops and Birkenstocks and hiking sandals, because they cannot make me happy when the temperatures drop into the thirties. I pull out my embarrassingly extravagant collection of Ugg boots. When the weather turns cold and wet in the days after Thanksgiving, and the furnace has kicked on to stay on for the next three and a half months, I slip my feet into a pair of my beloved, shearling-lined Uggs.

Ahhh. Toasty and warm. Uggs give me a spirit power. Uggs are my way of sticking up my middle finger to winter. The first feeling of this ritual cuddling of my feet makes me smile. It makes my toes and my heart toasty warm. I know I will still curse the winter, swear at every flurry that flies. But I also know that my feet will be luxuriously warm all winter while I dream about next summer.

Holidays are hard without Mack. This year I also had to endure Thanksgiving without Savannah and her husband Levi, without my mom and her husband Mike, and without my friend Dan, who has been joining our feast for years. Grief is always a challenge, but in a pandemic it has tested the limits of my ability to cope. Thank goodness for my sister Tracy, who fed me, albeit in the driveway at a healthy distance from her and my brother-in-law Jason and their daughter Zoe.
I did enjoy a couple of holiday cocktails, including this gin and jam with fresh cranberry sauce and rosemary. I toasted Mack, like I always do, after curating my perfect last bite in her honor: homemade egg noodles, mashed potatoes, and a dab of fresh cranberry sauce.

Silence

The radio scratches in my ears, and from the back seat I can just make out the balls and strikes count through the AM static. My little sister is next to me in the back seat, jabbering to my mom, who is the front passenger seat, her head turned around jabbering back at my sister. I have no idea what they are saying, and I do not care. I am trying to read my book.

My dad is driving and smoking and keeping a score card. The car windows are cracked open to keep us from choking to death, and the wind noise is crashing into the radio static, occasionally mixing with a sudden clarity of the radio signal and the baseball announcer calling a play at the plate. My dad curses and bangs his fists on the steering wheel, and the Reds are losing, and still I am trying to read, dammit, and we have another baseball game worth of driving, and I am losing my mind in the chaos.img_9486

Can’t the quiet of my book overcome us all? What would be the cost of one hour of silence in this car? What could I pay them to whisper? Why is there always radio static and sisters and moms jabbering and wind noise and dads yelling at baseball games?

Today, I live alone. Silence is a precious joy of my life, treasured, filled up with reading one book after another, with New Yorker magazines sprinkled in between. And oh my goodness, but the quiet is divine. But there are days when I would trade in all of my books and my solitude for one hour in the backseat of the car in the chaos of my childhood, my mom and sister jabbering away, my mind unsettled by the wind noise and the Reds playing on the radio through AM static, and my dad cursing the blown call at the plate.

*****

Note: I was lucky and am grateful to have been invited to join a monthly memoir writing group called Past Forward. It is a group of bold and brave people who write their hearts and memories and share their writing with each other. For each meeting, we write from an advance prompt on a particular topic or theme, and when we get to the meeting we are presented with another writing prompt on which we write quietly for twenty minutes or so. After the writing, we spend the remainder of the time sharing our prepared and spontaneous writing with the group. It’s a courageous new experience for me, reading aloud my creative writing, and it is stretching me in wonderfully uncomfortable ways. Some of the most enjoyable writing I have ever done has taken place in the quiet space of that spontaneous writing, sitting in a circle with other writers who are willing to share and to listen. I wrote this piece at the most recent meeting, the spontaneous prompt was “Silence.”