Permanent Pain and Bright Beginnings

Five years ago today, the beautiful world fell into darkness when the light of our lives left us. Mackenzie Kathleen McDermott was a beaming smile of sunshine, a giggling goof of joy, and a bulldozing force of nature. Her absence left holes in the hearts of everyone who loved her, holes that can never be refilled.

Five years have filled no holes. Five years have healed no pain. Five years have not made me miss her less nor feel her a absence less keenly. In fact, some days–days like today–I miss her more than ever.

Balance is the lesson I have learned in the deepest grief of a mother’s broken heart. Every day I must balance my love for Mack and my permanent pain from the loss of her. Every day is a struggle, but on the good days, sprinkled in between the bad and the okay and the barely breathing, I can find that balance. I can take hold of some peace and find some solace. I have that scar upon my heart, yes, but joy and beauty and light are possible.

Today, Savannah is starting an exciting new job. Today, I am moving into a charming old house in a new town. Today, Kevin starts looking for his own path, too. Today is going to be one of those days when balance is vital, as our little family carries all of our pain and all of our love forward into the next five years without Mack.

Today I walk with sorrow, but I also walk with hope and the real prospect of peace. I walk onward into the sunshine of this bright beginning.

6 thoughts on “Permanent Pain and Bright Beginnings

  1. Thinking of Mack in all her glory- such a precious gift to all of us. Sending Tight Mack hugs – Much love always. 🍀💚

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  2. Wishing you ‘balance’ as you travel this road of grief. I understand your pain too well. We lost our only child, Kensey, at age 16 on August 8, 1997. Bless you and your.

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  3. Tears never really go away. I miss Mack so much. She was my game player. She would always tell me she was going to beat my butt. She did most of the time. Miss you terribly. Love you Mack always

    Liked by 1 person

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